ETIQUETTE FOR THOSE EXPECTING GOOD SERVICE FROM WAITERS AND WAITRESSES
ETIQUETTE FOR THOSE EXPECTING GOOD SERVICE FROM WAITERS AND WAITRESSES

1. We posess very large brains with the capability of memory, so bottomline – you tip well, and come again, it will NOT be forgotten. We promise. Remember you didn’t come here just to eat, because you could’ve made yourself PB+J at home. You came here to get served, so show respect…we got bills to pay, and we most likely make less than minimum wage. If you have the money to go out and spend $20 on a meal that would cost you $5 to make at home, then bring an extra $5 to us for bringing it to your table. It’s common sense.
2. We bust our asses for you. We literally serve you, so be polite when you desire service. Ask nicely and you shall receive in timely fashion.
3. When we are busy, remember – you are not the center of the world. Sometimes we have to get drinks that include begging a bartender for attention, sometimes cooks are swamped and have to recook mistakes resulting from confusing orders, sometimes we have 10 other customers that demand the most time-consuming attention possible, so understand and be patient. We wait for you, so you can wait for us – it’s a give-and-take.
4. If a cook makes a mistake, it’s not like we fucked up, so relax, we can correct the mistake, give us a moment, and tip us well for fixing the problem.
5. We are not mindreaders! Some people dislike onions on their burgers, others expect it, so if you’re not sure if x comes with a side of y or not, ask! Speak up ahead of time or expect what we expect to order for you. There are house standards, and they trump the standards you think are normal. If you want something, don’t assume the world has the same tastes as you, just ask, because it’s more than likely an exception to the menu. It will arrive. We want to make things perfect for you.
6. Speak up. If the music is loud, don’t mumble or ignore us when we ask you for an order, let us know what you expect.
7. If you have a coupon for a discount or it’s happy hour, tip us for the amount you would’ve paid if you didn’t have the coupon! This is common fucking sense. Don’t expect us to not notice this. We will be doing the same amount of work as if you were paying full price.
8. If you pay your bill, but then stick around for 4 free soda refills, watching a band, or hanging with friends for an hour, we still work for you beyond the work we already finished. Tip us again. Duh. Also: We understand wanting to go out with your friends when you’re poor, but when you order water while sitting with paying customers, you still need to tip. I work less as hard to bring someone a $10 martini once, as I do to fill your glass with water 5 times in a row, and cut a lemon each time for your ass. It’s simple - recognize our labor.
9. We don’t own or manage the place, therefore we don’t design the rules and we don’t have control over our workplace. So say you don’t like the temperature, the lighting sucks, or the band is too loud, it’s not our fault, so don’t use this as an excuse to tip bad or treat us like we fucked up.
10. This one’s sooooo important, because it drives us nuts EVERY night. When it’s closing time, LEAVE. There is nothing more annoying to us then a group of friends that linger when the lights come up, and we are literally mopping around your fucking feet a half and hour after last call. After waiting on you people for 8 hours straight, with your bad manners and cheap tips, you are already skating on thin ice. So when you linger when most of us want to go home to loved ones and family members, your face gets etched into our minds as the people whos food will take that much longer to deliver when you visit next. When you leave, we have to clean for at least another 45 minutes, so go to an after hours club! (That’s why they exist) Maybe some of us will even buy you a drink there.